It can feel scary to bring up something you want to try in bed with a partner, whether it’s a sex position or a new kink. When it comes to sex toys, it can feel even more intimidating. Sex toys can enhance our partnered sex as well as our solo sex, but no one wants to make our partners feel like they’re not “enough” for us on their own. We’re told to feel threatened by sex toys, that we should be worried that they’ll replace us. In reality, bringing sex toys into the bedroom can lead to more pleasure for everyone involved.
When it comes to introducing sex toys into your partnered sex, communication is key. Balancing your partner’s potential sexual hang ups with advocating for your own needs can be tricky, so here are four tips for introducing sex toys into partnered sex.
1. Find the right time to bring it up
You probably don’t need cue cards and a prepared speech to bring up sex toys with your partner. In fact, it might be better if you don’t make it too serious, as it can put more pressure on your partner. It’s best to talk about introducing sex toys when you’re in a flirty or sexy mood, rather than bringing up it up out of the blue while you’re grocery shopping.
A good trick is to mention that were listening to a podcast or reading an article that mentioned sex toys and got curious. You could try saying something like: ‘so I was reading this article about vibrators for couples to use together, have you ever thought about using sex toys when we have sex?’ This doesn’t require you to be so vulnerable, so might be easier if you’re finding it embarrassing to bring it up.
2. Explain why you find it hot
If your partner’s hesitant about introducing sex toys into partnered sex, it can help to explain exactly what you like about sex toys. After all, if you’re having sex with someone, it makes sense that they want you to feel good! Do you find that using a vibrator makes it easier for you to come and so takes the pressure off and allows you to be more present while you’re having sex? Are you curious about exploring anal, so you want to try a butt plug? Have you had a fantasy about riding a dildo strapped to a thigh harness? Letting your partner know exactly why you find something hot will help them understand why you want to try it.
It can be a good idea to throw in a compliment to your partner as well. Say something like ‘It’s so hot when you go down on me - it would be really hot if you used a vibrator on my clit at the same time’.
3. Go shopping for sex toys together
Another way to get comfortable with the idea of using sex toys with your partner is going shopping together. It can let you feel connected, and reduce any anxiety that they’re going to be left out. Even if you only end up buying lube, you can leave with all sorts of ideas for things to try together. (A lube like Momentum Water-Based Lubricant is perfect for using with sex toys, because it has a silky-smooth feel and is compatible with any silicone sex toys.)
Buying a sex toy together can help avoid any feelings of being replaced by a sex toy. It’s not something that will benefit just one of you, it’s something that can make sex better for both of you!
4. Figure out what works for both of you
While there are lots of toys that are advertised ‘for couples’, you can use almost any sex toy together with your partner. It can take some experimentation to work out what feels good and is comfortable for both of you, so spend some time talking about it and trying different things. There is no right way or wrong way to use a sex toy, only the ways that work for you and your partner.
Using sex toys can often lead to you de-centring penis-in-vagina penetration and trying new things, so it’s important to make sure you check in with how you’re feeling. Even if you know rationally that you shouldn’t be jealous of a dildo, feelings aren’t always rational so it can be helpful to acknowledge and talk about them. Be honest about how you’re feeling and work together to figure out ways of using sex toys that feel good for both of you.